Metamorphosis: Undies Update June 2016

I’ve been itching to write something since I’ve finally got some time to spare (for a change, huh?) and believe it or not, this entry was inspired by my class. For those of you who don’t know me in the muggle world, I’m an assistant teacher in a Universal Pre-K classroom when I’m not cosplaying/blogging/reading comics. Recently, we did a unit on the life cycle of a butterfly, and we got some caterpillars in our classroom. My class was able to watch the life cycle of a butterfly firsthand, and this week, after our Memorial Day break, we let out butterflies free.

Clearly this blog isn’t to inform you on how butterflies work, so I’ll get to the point. The metamorphosis got me thinking about my own life, and how I’ve changed as a person, writer, and cosplayer, in this past year alone. My favorite human, Walt Disney, once said, “”Disneyland will never be completed. It will continue to grow as long as there is imagination left in the world.” I feel the same is true for all of us, whether it be about creativity, personal growth, or whatever, we are always changing and evolving as people. Do I think that I’m a perfect person? No. Not by any means. But thinking back to last year, I can see such tremendous growth in every aspect of my life.

I don’t talk about it much, because I hate being pitied and I really hate divulging any deeply personal details of my life, but last year I was going through so much. I was struggling so much with depression, anxiety and mental health in general. I hated my job. I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life. I felt like a failure as a person, cosplayer, and friend. Now, here I am, getting regular treatment, taking care of myself, (hopefully) attending graduate school in the Fall for my Masters in Teaching, and sure of myself as a person.

This blog isn’t to brag about how great my life has been compared to last year, I promise. I’ll always struggle with my mental health, I had my fair share of drama in the cosplay community this year as well. But the important thing is…I’m still here, breathing, cosplaying, and living my life. And while I have bad days, I know that I don’t have a bad life. And it could be far worse. It HAS been far worse. And I’ll get through it.

Growth is a necessary part of life. And in order to continue that growth, sometimes we need to go back to square one. If you’ve ever seen Mean Girls– do you remember that one scene where Lindsay Lohan’s character, Cady, goes to visit Regina George (Rachel McAdams) at her house, after she was hit by that bus? Even though Regina was an uber bitch, Cady is able to recognize that she’s made some mistakes too. She says, “When you get bitten by a snake, you have to suck out all the poison, that’s what I had to do, suck all the poison out of my life.” Like Cady, I know that I’ve made some bad decisions and I’m not a perfect person. I can be overly defensive, and it’s caused me to burn some bridges within my friendship circles. It stems from my trust and abandonment issues and my anxiety as a whole. I’m not making excuses, though, and I fully intend to take responsibility for my actions. If you’re reading this and I’ve upset you in some way, shape or form — I’m really sorry. I want to suck the poison out of my life, and I’d love nothing more than to start over with a clean slate for everyone involved. Life is too short to hold grudges. Cosplay is an escape for so many of us…nobody should have to be riddled with anxiety or fear when gearing up to go to a cosplay event. We should all be there for each other, lead by example, and make this community an awesome one.

 

I suck at updating this thing 2k16

Hi guys, I’m sorry I’ve been so absent lately. I’ve been kind of feeling meh lately and I thought maybe a blog post was in order. This convention season has been nothing short of amazing thus far — every event I’ve attended has been amazing, full of kind staff members and great guests, and an amazing experience for myself and those attending alongside of me. However, I think I may have overbooked myself slightly and I’ve kind of watered down my appearances for the rest of this convention year. I’ll be at Albany Comic Con, doing a panel with my COSUnity crew and helping to judge the cosplay contest.

Recently I’ve been really questioning my involvement in this hobby as a whole. I’m really sick of a lot of things that have popped up recently. The egos, the bullying, and the backstabbing have got to stop. This isn’t a fame game. I can honestly say I have NO desire to be cosplay famous or well known in the convention world at all. It’s just sort of something that happened for me. I hate the term Cos-famous…I think it only really has negative connotations and like I said, that’s never been what I’m about. I am SOOOO grateful for every opportunity I receive and I love that I have such a large support system for doing what I do. But I’m not here to be a master craftsman, or to outshine anyone else. This has always, always been about love of characters for me, and through portraying them, making others smile and feeling great about myself.

I’m just kind of baffled about the way I’ve been ostracized from my local community. One day, I feel like I have a million friends and that I’m wanted, and the next, I feel like everyone hates me. I’m vocal about many of my issues, yes, but it’s not for love of drama. It’s because I’m always trying to help others. That’s it, seriously. I never meant to start a turf war between local conventions, or cosplayers, or anything like that. The way I’m being portrayed, as a monster or bully, couldn’t be further from the truth of how I am. I will literally forgive someone who treated me like dirt just to avoid confrontation…I have this weird complex where I want everyone to like me. And yes, I get that’s not the way the world works, but I still hope, and try, and wish that I could be liked and accepted by everyone.

If you’re reading this and you actually have come across me in any way, shape or form, where I came off as a negative person, I really am sorry. I struggle with my demons daily. I have anxiety and depression, as well as a number of mental health issues I don’t really feel comfortable discussing. But I have a handle on them. And I live every day trying to be the best person I can be.

My creativity lately has been so severely stifled by some of the things going on on this community, especially my local community. I literally am afraid to show my face at events for fear of being bullied or made fun of. I just want to go back to having fun again.

Back when I started, there were no groups or social media I had to worry about. That’s when this was new and exciting and the most fun. I did what I wanted to do and didn’t care about likes or who thought I was this or that or the other thing. I just WAS. And I’m really hoping to get back to the core of that, from here on out.

A friend of mine gave me some good advice recently. Delete Facebook off your phone, she’d said. At first I was worried that I’d miss out on something (the FOMO is real, guys) but then I realized the world keeps going without Facebook. I still have Messenger activated, and I have a separate app for my cosplay page management, so I’m not totally shut off, but you’d be surprised how much less negative your life is when you don’t mindlessly scroll through FB at all hours of the day, and see anti-trans, homophobic, negative, shit posts. I really do feel like a whole new person, and it’s only been a few days.

I guess the moral of this story, kiddos, is to know your limits, and don’t be afraid to take a step back and take some “me” time. I started cosplaying for myself, and that’s the only person, ultimately, who needs my approval.

Am I quitting cosplay? No. No, I’m not. But 2016-2017 is going to be full of big changes for me. I’ll probably (if all goes well) be going for my Masters, continuing to work full time, and trying to adult a bit more, in terms of paying off some loan debt and trying to save up for a future for boyfriend and I. But one thing is for sure. Undiesofwondy will always be around, in one way, shae or form. I love writing and keeping this website and blog active are some of my core goals for the rest of the year. I love being able to share myself with you through my writing, and it’s therapeutic as hell to just get it all out, regardless of if someone, or…well…anyone, for that matter, is reading this.

If you are reading this, hi. I love you. <3

Unplugging, Recharging, Updating – Undies Update Week of 3/29

I had to step away from social media for a bit this week. Unplugging is both a necessary and helpful thing for me when I feel swallowed by the anxiety and negativity others impart on me. For those of you who follow me, you’ve probably been privy to at least some of this negative wind garbage, and for that, I sincerely do apologize. This is the last I’m going to speak on the matter and I want to make sure I get absolutely everything off of my chest.

A good friend of mine, who happens to be a cosplayer and person I admire and trust, posted a status today that inspired this blog post. “If I cared about what people said about or to me as much as the rest of the cosplay community does, I would have killed myself by now.” This struck a chord with me completely. I won’t lie. These past few weeks have been by far the worst experience I’ve had with the local cosplay community as a whole. I’ve been so depressed and anxious, to the point that if I weren’t medicated and speaking to professionals, maybe I would have killed myself.

People may think the Internet is all cat pictures and dank memes, but the things I’ve seen about myself in the past two weeks on the Internet have both shocked and sickened me. I seriously laid in bed for about two days straight and sobbed, thinking about it. I was accused of perpetuating negativity, drama, and using my charity/activist endeavours to further my own gain.

I will say this much: I may overshare on the Internet. I only do this because I consider you guys my friends, and I want to be real with you. I’m also highly sensitive, and sometimes I react by posting or oversharing to an unprofessional point. I’m not saying this is right. I know that I have my issues. I’m not perfect. I’m a regular human. My defensive nature comes from years of bullying and mental abuse. When I feel threatened, my claws can come out. I know there are people I’ve hurt and pushed away that did not deserve it. For this, I am sorry. I can admit when I’m wrong.

However, to accuse me of things like “being fake” when I’m genuinely trying to reach out and mend a friendship or open up and share my feelings is sickening to me. How can you base your opinions of me off of the way I reacted to a situation in which I was treated SO poorly, I considered doing something drastic and harmful to myself? Clearly I was upset, my emotions were running high, and after being wronged time and time again by the same individual, I think I have the right to speak out and air my feelings without being accused of dumping my dirty laundry on people.

You don’t have to like me, or even believe me, but I’m a good person. I work hard to make connections in the convention community, not to further my own popularity or means, because this is not a job for me, but to try and help others so nobody has to feel the way I once did. Small, insignificant and alone. I want people to know that they can come to me with their problems and that I will be there for them. To spit on my charity work is also highly disrespectful to me. I was raised by a mother who always taught me to give back to my community in any way I can, and to share my talents for the good of others. I would NEVER use a charity event to further my own means.

To those of you who feel you need to “expose” me for the monster I am — I’m truly sorry you feel this way. If you have a problem with me, I really would like to talk it out with you and hear what you have to say. I guarantee you it’s either misinformation that has lead you to believe I’m this monstrous person, or a misunderstanding based off of how I’ve presented myself in the heat of these super emotional times. I’m willing to talk it out and, yes, even apologize if it calls for it. I’m many things– but unreasonable is not one of them.

For those of you who refuse to reach out and continue to hate on me, I’m choosing now to not let your words affect me. I feel sorry that you have this hatred or void in your hearts that causes you to not accept me. If you would take the time to get to know me, you would know I’m a compassionate person who just wants to make a good impression on this world. I could care less about my social standing — but I care about whether or not people think I’m a good person. Probably because of the aforementioned mental abuses I’ve had to endure that have made me believe otherwise for 3/4 of my life. I’ve worked so hard to love myself and it sucks that people would try and undo that just for their own sick gain.

Consider this a moratorium. I’m bidding adieu to the drama of [convention name redacted] and the people perpetuating this drama. I’m going to continue to hone my craft, to better myself in mind and body, and cosplay like there’s no tomorrow.