Deep Thoughts and A Moment In Someone Else’s Shoes

Hello, all. I have to apologize for my absence. Life kind of happened and I’ve been pulled in a million different directions. Between work, the possibility of going to school, and the decision I’ve been struggling with as of late; to potentially quit cosplaying and focus elsewhere, to say I’m stressed out is an understatement.

Today, a good friend of mine posted a bit of writing on his Facebook page that I thought would be worth it to share. He goes by The Squid Cosplay online, but I just know him as my friend Nick.

Me and Nick at an event in Saratoga last year.

He writes:

“Hi everyone I just had feeling to share with you so here I go about get real with you. I also been afraid to admit I had these demons in me and let my family and friends know I had them cause I wanted them remember me as go-lucky and happy person and not some crazy person. I have been really struggling lately with some demons in my life, I finally got to my breaking point and I lost it. Yeah I know that I have many stories to tell but this one is most serious and important one I can tell in my lifetime. Yeah, I know that I have great support by a lot of family and friends but sometimes even that isn’t enough from stopping me from reaching my breaking point. I want share my story how I to that breaking in my life because I to help others not get to their breaking point and how I beat it and how they beat it too.

As most of you know that year ago I moved into a supportive apartment in Regency Park Apartments in Queensbury, New York because I just thought that it was time leave my parents even tho it was hardest thing I done in my life. Why you ask cause, I wanted to expierence life I wanted to even tho I had 30 great years of my life and 13 years of it as a only child with one of the best and wonderful family that I deeply appreciate and care about, even tho they don’t seen it from me but I do. I also know they feel the same way about me even tho I feel like some of time don’t show it but I know they do. Which leads me to my first demon in my life cause when I was younger I was one of those quiet kids who kept to myself and did my homework cause mainly no one really forced me to be sociable with the other kids or be active in any social groups. Which I can’t put all the blame on them cause I didn’t actively look myself however, at that time I didn’t have any desire really look or realize that I would regret it later in life. Once I realized that I would regret it which was my junior year of high school I started to think to myself that I didn’t want be that hermit kid anymore but at that point I was so far behind socially I didn’t know where to began even now I am still trying to make up for lost time so I thought that CosPlaying would help that void which has some cause I am very creative person and I am also self taught artist. Yes I have made some great friends along way, but I am still looking for that deep serious conversion with about my life and there own and watch movies with or whatever. But the problem with most of my friends is that they aren’t mental all there where I am or they are too far away do anything with. Back in high school I had that and I thought it would last lifetime, which it didn’t. I even thought we would able move in together but he moved to Ohio, which hurt me deeply.

Which brings me to my second point I wanted make is as I watched my brother and sister grow up, accomplished things and experience life before me pains me deeply, I also realized I haven’t experience enough life myself cause I am late bloomer to help them grow and make right choices cause I wasn’t faced with that they are faced issues wish. This pains me deeply, cause I wish I did so I can have that relationship I so desperately want with them so that if they don’t want go Mom or Dad with their problems they always have me lean on even tho I wasn’t faced with same issues. Another thing about them and when I watched the Special Olympics that pains me deeply is when I watch them play sports and stuff in back of my mind this thought is always there, which is that could have been me out there cause if you know really know me I love sports mainly basketball. I want make my our parents happy most all, I know for fact our parents want grandchildren before its to late, and I don’t want let my siblings beat me to that expierence having children first cause I want be the one who gives our parents grandchildren first, plus I want help them though it.

Which, brings me to my third point I want make which is how I am ready to find that special someone to share my life with and settle down with them. Cause its my fear that I will be living alone then the thought of “what if” especially when I don’t know when I might break cause I am very fragile person. When that happens I tend to freeze and forget right thing to do. I want someone who will treat me with honor, respect, loyalty, trust, and compassion, which is the code I live by. Second fear I have is that I can’t be the sole provider for my family yet even for myself because of my disabilities as much I would love to be only provider but I know it won’t happen that crushes me deeply.

The fourth point I want make some social anxiety let me have different fears, things that they won’t do and only certain people they are willing open to and trust in there lives. For me I have fear of really opening up men but be honest with you I don’t have any rhyme or reason other than fact that men aren’t really type person who will listen and emphasize with anyone. For me I think its because I never had special bond with my father when I came out of womb as much I love my father even tho I am adopted. So when it comes doing things with just guys it freaks me right out then I just shut down if I have to do anything with just guys. However when it comes to just women I have no problem letting myself loose cause I had that special bond with my mother from womb even within the womb. Especially I love doing and talk girly things minus sports part of me. But even that I basically like doing that alone and for those that know me well enough you know why. For those that don’t I like play General Manager and Coach mainly for the New York Knicks but I also do it for Steelers, and for Mets, you may wondering how basically on my Playstation 3.

Well I think that the roots of my problems are because I have Cerebral Palsy and Hydrocephus. But to be honest with you I think that we all have a disability that we have deal with no matter what it might be. We just have to suck it up and deal with it, be willing to make do with what we got dealt and yes we all have times where we are down when comes to that we just have get back up even tho it maybe hard but we just have to do it. Yeah there are some people that can deal with their problems easier then others but that goes to show you we all move in our own pace. Yes there are some people who don’t even try to deal with their own problem and just put others down make themselves better, but with people like me who can’t take it which make feel like crap. The best advice I give other is treat others like you want to be treated.”

I have to say, this piece of his writing really had such an emotional impact on me for many reasons. The first being, well, he’s my friend, and it pains me to know a friend of mine has really been through so much emotionally, physically and mentally. Living with Cerebral Palsy is not something I’d know anything about personally, but seeing that Nick has worked so hard to push through and overcome his disability has really changed my outlook on my own life. I think the line about “sucking it up and dealing with what we’re given” sums it up. We may struggle with our various demons, but no matter what they are, we should always remember to be strong and power through them. Additionally, we never know what someone else may be struggling with, so treating others how you want to be treated is extra important.

I really just wanted to post his piece of writing because I hope it will open your eyes as it opened mine. I am truly honored to know Nick and I am so proud of him for using the gift of writing to get his emotions out. I plan to do the same in the coming weeks.


Unplugging, Recharging, Updating – Undies Update Week of 3/29

I had to step away from social media for a bit this week. Unplugging is both a necessary and helpful thing for me when I feel swallowed by the anxiety and negativity others impart on me. For those of you who follow me, you’ve probably been privy to at least some of this negative wind garbage, and for that, I sincerely do apologize. This is the last I’m going to speak on the matter and I want to make sure I get absolutely everything off of my chest.

A good friend of mine, who happens to be a cosplayer and person I admire and trust, posted a status today that inspired this blog post. “If I cared about what people said about or to me as much as the rest of the cosplay community does, I would have killed myself by now.” This struck a chord with me completely. I won’t lie. These past few weeks have been by far the worst experience I’ve had with the local cosplay community as a whole. I’ve been so depressed and anxious, to the point that if I weren’t medicated and speaking to professionals, maybe I would have killed myself.

People may think the Internet is all cat pictures and dank memes, but the things I’ve seen about myself in the past two weeks on the Internet have both shocked and sickened me. I seriously laid in bed for about two days straight and sobbed, thinking about it. I was accused of perpetuating negativity, drama, and using my charity/activist endeavours to further my own gain.

I will say this much: I may overshare on the Internet. I only do this because I consider you guys my friends, and I want to be real with you. I’m also highly sensitive, and sometimes I react by posting or oversharing to an unprofessional point. I’m not saying this is right. I know that I have my issues. I’m not perfect. I’m a regular human. My defensive nature comes from years of bullying and mental abuse. When I feel threatened, my claws can come out. I know there are people I’ve hurt and pushed away that did not deserve it. For this, I am sorry. I can admit when I’m wrong.

However, to accuse me of things like “being fake” when I’m genuinely trying to reach out and mend a friendship or open up and share my feelings is sickening to me. How can you base your opinions of me off of the way I reacted to a situation in which I was treated SO poorly, I considered doing something drastic and harmful to myself? Clearly I was upset, my emotions were running high, and after being wronged time and time again by the same individual, I think I have the right to speak out and air my feelings without being accused of dumping my dirty laundry on people.

You don’t have to like me, or even believe me, but I’m a good person. I work hard to make connections in the convention community, not to further my own popularity or means, because this is not a job for me, but to try and help others so nobody has to feel the way I once did. Small, insignificant and alone. I want people to know that they can come to me with their problems and that I will be there for them. To spit on my charity work is also highly disrespectful to me. I was raised by a mother who always taught me to give back to my community in any way I can, and to share my talents for the good of others. I would NEVER use a charity event to further my own means.

To those of you who feel you need to “expose” me for the monster I am — I’m truly sorry you feel this way. If you have a problem with me, I really would like to talk it out with you and hear what you have to say. I guarantee you it’s either misinformation that has lead you to believe I’m this monstrous person, or a misunderstanding based off of how I’ve presented myself in the heat of these super emotional times. I’m willing to talk it out and, yes, even apologize if it calls for it. I’m many things– but unreasonable is not one of them.

For those of you who refuse to reach out and continue to hate on me, I’m choosing now to not let your words affect me. I feel sorry that you have this hatred or void in your hearts that causes you to not accept me. If you would take the time to get to know me, you would know I’m a compassionate person who just wants to make a good impression on this world. I could care less about my social standing — but I care about whether or not people think I’m a good person. Probably because of the aforementioned mental abuses I’ve had to endure that have made me believe otherwise for 3/4 of my life. I’ve worked so hard to love myself and it sucks that people would try and undo that just for their own sick gain.

Consider this a moratorium. I’m bidding adieu to the drama of [convention name redacted] and the people perpetuating this drama. I’m going to continue to hone my craft, to better myself in mind and body, and cosplay like there’s no tomorrow.



Finding Confidence in the Nerdiest Places : Can Cosplay Improve Your Self Image?


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Photo by Darien D. Hester.

Sometimes, when your craft foam armor that you’ve worked weeks on starts falling apart, or days when your wig just won’t look right, or when you feel totally fat in spandex, it can be hard to remember why we cosplay in the first place. While cosplay can be frustrating at times,  it’s important for me to remind myself why I started in the first place. Continue reading “Finding Confidence in the Nerdiest Places : Can Cosplay Improve Your Self Image?”