I suck at updating this thing 2k16

Hi guys, I’m sorry I’ve been so absent lately. I’ve been kind of feeling meh lately and I thought maybe a blog post was in order. This convention season has been nothing short of amazing thus far — every event I’ve attended has been amazing, full of kind staff members and great guests, and an amazing experience for myself and those attending alongside of me. However, I think I may have overbooked myself slightly and I’ve kind of watered down my appearances for the rest of this convention year. I’ll be at Albany Comic Con, doing a panel with my COSUnity crew and helping to judge the cosplay contest.

Recently I’ve been really questioning my involvement in this hobby as a whole. I’m really sick of a lot of things that have popped up recently. The egos, the bullying, and the backstabbing have got to stop. This isn’t a fame game. I can honestly say I have NO desire to be cosplay famous or well known in the convention world at all. It’s just sort of something that happened for me. I hate the term Cos-famous…I think it only really has negative connotations and like I said, that’s never been what I’m about. I am SOOOO grateful for every opportunity I receive and I love that I have such a large support system for doing what I do. But I’m not here to be a master craftsman, or to outshine anyone else. This has always, always been about love of characters for me, and through portraying them, making others smile and feeling great about myself.

I’m just kind of baffled about the way I’ve been ostracized from my local community. One day, I feel like I have a million friends and that I’m wanted, and the next, I feel like everyone hates me. I’m vocal about many of my issues, yes, but it’s not for love of drama. It’s because I’m always trying to help others. That’s it, seriously. I never meant to start a turf war between local conventions, or cosplayers, or anything like that. The way I’m being portrayed, as a monster or bully, couldn’t be further from the truth of how I am. I will literally forgive someone who treated me like dirt just to avoid confrontation…I have this weird complex where I want everyone to like me. And yes, I get that’s not the way the world works, but I still hope, and try, and wish that I could be liked and accepted by everyone.

If you’re reading this and you actually have come across me in any way, shape or form, where I came off as a negative person, I really am sorry. I struggle with my demons daily. I have anxiety and depression, as well as a number of mental health issues I don’t really feel comfortable discussing. But I have a handle on them. And I live every day trying to be the best person I can be.

My creativity lately has been so severely stifled by some of the things going on on this community, especially my local community. I literally am afraid to show my face at events for fear of being bullied or made fun of. I just want to go back to having fun again.

Back when I started, there were no groups or social media I had to worry about. That’s when this was new and exciting and the most fun. I did what I wanted to do and didn’t care about likes or who thought I was this or that or the other thing. I just WAS. And I’m really hoping to get back to the core of that, from here on out.

A friend of mine gave me some good advice recently. Delete Facebook off your phone, she’d said. At first I was worried that I’d miss out on something (the FOMO is real, guys) but then I realized the world keeps going without Facebook. I still have Messenger activated, and I have a separate app for my cosplay page management, so I’m not totally shut off, but you’d be surprised how much less negative your life is when you don’t mindlessly scroll through FB at all hours of the day, and see anti-trans, homophobic, negative, shit posts. I really do feel like a whole new person, and it’s only been a few days.

I guess the moral of this story, kiddos, is to know your limits, and don’t be afraid to take a step back and take some “me” time. I started cosplaying for myself, and that’s the only person, ultimately, who needs my approval.

Am I quitting cosplay? No. No, I’m not. But 2016-2017 is going to be full of big changes for me. I’ll probably (if all goes well) be going for my Masters, continuing to work full time, and trying to adult a bit more, in terms of paying off some loan debt and trying to save up for a future for boyfriend and I. But one thing is for sure. Undiesofwondy will always be around, in one way, shae or form. I love writing and keeping this website and blog active are some of my core goals for the rest of the year. I love being able to share myself with you through my writing, and it’s therapeutic as hell to just get it all out, regardless of if someone, or…well…anyone, for that matter, is reading this.

If you are reading this, hi. I love you. <3

Deep Thoughts and A Moment In Someone Else’s Shoes

Hello, all. I have to apologize for my absence. Life kind of happened and I’ve been pulled in a million different directions. Between work, the possibility of going to school, and the decision I’ve been struggling with as of late; to potentially quit cosplaying and focus elsewhere, to say I’m stressed out is an understatement.

Today, a good friend of mine posted a bit of writing on his Facebook page that I thought would be worth it to share. He goes by The Squid Cosplay online, but I just know him as my friend Nick.

Me and Nick at an event in Saratoga last year.

He writes:

“Hi everyone I just had feeling to share with you so here I go about get real with you. I also been afraid to admit I had these demons in me and let my family and friends know I had them cause I wanted them remember me as go-lucky and happy person and not some crazy person. I have been really struggling lately with some demons in my life, I finally got to my breaking point and I lost it. Yeah I know that I have many stories to tell but this one is most serious and important one I can tell in my lifetime. Yeah, I know that I have great support by a lot of family and friends but sometimes even that isn’t enough from stopping me from reaching my breaking point. I want share my story how I to that breaking in my life because I to help others not get to their breaking point and how I beat it and how they beat it too.

As most of you know that year ago I moved into a supportive apartment in Regency Park Apartments in Queensbury, New York because I just thought that it was time leave my parents even tho it was hardest thing I done in my life. Why you ask cause, I wanted to expierence life I wanted to even tho I had 30 great years of my life and 13 years of it as a only child with one of the best and wonderful family that I deeply appreciate and care about, even tho they don’t seen it from me but I do. I also know they feel the same way about me even tho I feel like some of time don’t show it but I know they do. Which leads me to my first demon in my life cause when I was younger I was one of those quiet kids who kept to myself and did my homework cause mainly no one really forced me to be sociable with the other kids or be active in any social groups. Which I can’t put all the blame on them cause I didn’t actively look myself however, at that time I didn’t have any desire really look or realize that I would regret it later in life. Once I realized that I would regret it which was my junior year of high school I started to think to myself that I didn’t want be that hermit kid anymore but at that point I was so far behind socially I didn’t know where to began even now I am still trying to make up for lost time so I thought that CosPlaying would help that void which has some cause I am very creative person and I am also self taught artist. Yes I have made some great friends along way, but I am still looking for that deep serious conversion with about my life and there own and watch movies with or whatever. But the problem with most of my friends is that they aren’t mental all there where I am or they are too far away do anything with. Back in high school I had that and I thought it would last lifetime, which it didn’t. I even thought we would able move in together but he moved to Ohio, which hurt me deeply.

Which brings me to my second point I wanted make is as I watched my brother and sister grow up, accomplished things and experience life before me pains me deeply, I also realized I haven’t experience enough life myself cause I am late bloomer to help them grow and make right choices cause I wasn’t faced with that they are faced issues wish. This pains me deeply, cause I wish I did so I can have that relationship I so desperately want with them so that if they don’t want go Mom or Dad with their problems they always have me lean on even tho I wasn’t faced with same issues. Another thing about them and when I watched the Special Olympics that pains me deeply is when I watch them play sports and stuff in back of my mind this thought is always there, which is that could have been me out there cause if you know really know me I love sports mainly basketball. I want make my our parents happy most all, I know for fact our parents want grandchildren before its to late, and I don’t want let my siblings beat me to that expierence having children first cause I want be the one who gives our parents grandchildren first, plus I want help them though it.

Which, brings me to my third point I want make which is how I am ready to find that special someone to share my life with and settle down with them. Cause its my fear that I will be living alone then the thought of “what if” especially when I don’t know when I might break cause I am very fragile person. When that happens I tend to freeze and forget right thing to do. I want someone who will treat me with honor, respect, loyalty, trust, and compassion, which is the code I live by. Second fear I have is that I can’t be the sole provider for my family yet even for myself because of my disabilities as much I would love to be only provider but I know it won’t happen that crushes me deeply.

The fourth point I want make some social anxiety let me have different fears, things that they won’t do and only certain people they are willing open to and trust in there lives. For me I have fear of really opening up men but be honest with you I don’t have any rhyme or reason other than fact that men aren’t really type person who will listen and emphasize with anyone. For me I think its because I never had special bond with my father when I came out of womb as much I love my father even tho I am adopted. So when it comes doing things with just guys it freaks me right out then I just shut down if I have to do anything with just guys. However when it comes to just women I have no problem letting myself loose cause I had that special bond with my mother from womb even within the womb. Especially I love doing and talk girly things minus sports part of me. But even that I basically like doing that alone and for those that know me well enough you know why. For those that don’t I like play General Manager and Coach mainly for the New York Knicks but I also do it for Steelers, and for Mets, you may wondering how basically on my Playstation 3.

Well I think that the roots of my problems are because I have Cerebral Palsy and Hydrocephus. But to be honest with you I think that we all have a disability that we have deal with no matter what it might be. We just have to suck it up and deal with it, be willing to make do with what we got dealt and yes we all have times where we are down when comes to that we just have get back up even tho it maybe hard but we just have to do it. Yeah there are some people that can deal with their problems easier then others but that goes to show you we all move in our own pace. Yes there are some people who don’t even try to deal with their own problem and just put others down make themselves better, but with people like me who can’t take it which make feel like crap. The best advice I give other is treat others like you want to be treated.”

I have to say, this piece of his writing really had such an emotional impact on me for many reasons. The first being, well, he’s my friend, and it pains me to know a friend of mine has really been through so much emotionally, physically and mentally. Living with Cerebral Palsy is not something I’d know anything about personally, but seeing that Nick has worked so hard to push through and overcome his disability has really changed my outlook on my own life. I think the line about “sucking it up and dealing with what we’re given” sums it up. We may struggle with our various demons, but no matter what they are, we should always remember to be strong and power through them. Additionally, we never know what someone else may be struggling with, so treating others how you want to be treated is extra important.

I really just wanted to post his piece of writing because I hope it will open your eyes as it opened mine. I am truly honored to know Nick and I am so proud of him for using the gift of writing to get his emotions out. I plan to do the same in the coming weeks.